back to the alley
I don't wanna be here anymore lol why is everything so hard and why do I feel so awful all the time, it's so hard to get over everything and not think about it all at once and hurt my brain. I wanna die idk I have like no friends anymore and I feel like everyone hates me and is mad at me all the time and I don't know what to do or how to feel like anything is the right thing to do or say I'm so stressed idk what to do.
-kitty
I don't know what to do I feel so shitty all the time and I feel bad for my boyfriend because he can't eat unless I'm home with him and it makes it so I rlly can't go and see like the one friend I still have, which isn't his fault he like can't control that he can't eat alone, I also just feel bad cus he doesn't rlly know anyone here since hes moved from a few places and I don't want him to be alone.
I also just feel rlly bad because sometimes I have to regress and he also has to regress and then I don't know how to properly like function in a leader like position and he also doesn't know how to especially when we're both like that. Ummm idk I just want this to be easier for both of us and idk how to make it easier right now.
Especially because I feel like I havent had like one second of stress-free brain for like 2+ years now, I've just had bad year after bad year while also now processing a breakup/friends leaving for shitty reasons i just feel so much pressure in my head i just want to be able to be there for him and to make it easier for both of us.
OH and the new Short Fictions album is so mid :/ like theres a few good songs but most of it is rlly bland, but still makes sense generallyyyy as an evolution of their sound idk still mid tho
-kitty
SO i just realized its been like almost a year since ive posted on here and thought i should give a little update on my life and stuff.
1. soo i ended up having a breakup with one of my boyfriends (alex), turned out he was rlly shitty and kinda a sex pest towards my still current bf (jude) back when they were friends before i knew like either of them existed. this shit rlly hurt finding out about and i still am reeling from how shitty this was, especially because my friends who were also his friends/roommates have continued to be his friend even after knowing this stuff, people are rlly shitty and it makes me feel horrible akjjiasf
2. i ended up dropping out of college for now, mostly because it was wearing down on my mental health and i couldnt get literally any of the work done because of executive dysfunction, which kinda sucks but also am planning on going back someday in the future. i just rlly didnt need even more stress on my brain and that was putting so much pressure onto everything else already going on/had happened in the past 2 years.
3. im now living with my current bf jude !! his living situation was rlly shitty and my mom found out, so she helped get him moved in with us. it has been very very pog having him living here, like i feel a lot less alone and stuff and its rlly nice, even though sometimes its hard bc we both dont work rn and dont have the abilities to go out really i think its getting better and it makes me rlly excited for the future
overall am in a bit of a better state than before but still get into rlly bad brain stuff, am just rlly overwhelmed by everything nowadays but i think it's getting better, will update more
-kitty
Hai anyone who reads this, haven't wrote anything here in a long while, I get lazy sometimes :P, but things have been going back and forth lately, on one hand stuff relationship wise has been pretty good, really very happy with my boyfriends, they make me forget about anything that worries me in the little moments we have together. I'm totally head over heels for both of them, often times I don't wanna say goodbye when alex drops me off at my house, we usually talk for a few minutes and make out in my driveway, I cling to him and bury my face into his chest and I just don't wanna let go, don't wanna go back to worrying about everything little thing around me or school, I just wanna forever feel safe. Jude also gives me that same sense of security and safety, although states away calling him on discord for even an hour or 2 makes me so so so happy, usually makes my whole day and makes all the angsty emotional bullshit I put myself through worth it if just for those few hours, I hate having to say goodnight to him too. Luckily he's coming to visit for a week in the middle of December, I'm really really excited, just the fact I get to hold and kiss him >< I get so happy thinking about it, also got him a baller ass birthday/christmas present that I think he'll love. Sometimes it's really hard to let myself believe that I deserve this kind of love, that I deserve anything that remotely healthy but for the time being it's really nice and I can see myself being with these 2 for a really long time. For now most of my anxiety and stress comes from school and job (or lack thereof), I just want something consistent and I'm really struggling to get through this semester, idk if I'm even gonna pass it and if I fuck this one up I get kicked out for failing too many classes. So, we'll see I guess, I think talking about the positives that are going on right now make me feel a lot better about everything, even if I completely fuck one half of my life up, atleast my guys are still there for me. Lot of feelings and brain stupid moding, wish shit was easier.
-kitty
Wish I wasn't here, feel so lonely everytime I come to this school, I see all these people gathered and I'm just hiding in various corners around the common area to get peace and quiet and to atleast be somewhat comfortable in my loneliness. I feel like a fucking highschooler feeling like this but it's how I've been feeling idk. I also just feel totally disconnected from everything, I wish I had any motivation at all for any artistic and or creative thing, I just feel so fucking stuck both mentally and socially and economically I just wanna have a comfortable life with a nice easy job or something, it's so frustrating. Everything is going ok I guess but why do I still feel this way, why do I still wanna die most of the time lol. I'm sorry I'm like this, I wish I could fix this without having to go to someone, I've been like this since highschool but it varies in it's extremity, there was a year or so where I felt generally ok but then it got bad and then it got good when I met her, but I completely fucked that up and in doing so pushed me back into the really bad headspaces I was in during highschool and earlier. It just sucks to feel like your constantly regressing and not going anywhere at all, just stuck.
-kitty
Things have been going better atleast school wise, changing my degree program to more flexible which is gonna be really really nice, I still don't really know where or what I'm gonna do outside of that but atleast that is more secure now. I hate that I can't just be happy though, I get upset at the littlest of things and feel so lonely most of the time (unless I'm with my bf), need more friends lol. Also feel really sexually inadequate and just so emotionally vulnerable and on edge it sucks.
-kitty
Don't know where I'm going to go now I want to leave here so bad like bruh I probably completely fucked up school it's really frustrating and I don't just wanna be stuck here forever working at small stores for the rest of my life.
-kitty
Cry everyday so so so much it sucks so bad I hate everything about where I am, I just wanna run away and not be seen by anyonee except my partners, why can't I just live comoftably with them and not have to deal with anything else, I feel so frustrated and tired at where I am in life, I'm done with school, I can't get a job, useless person idk what to do lol I feel so fucking lost.
-kitty
I want to kill myself so bad, everyday I think about ripping the skin off my body and throwing it away, slowly digging into my stomach with a box cutter and ripping it open letting my body spill out all over the floor. I just wanna scream infront of someone and let everything out, I just bottle everything up and let it out onto myself. Why am I like this lol, why can't I be happy and let myself enjoy anything I hate feeling like this all the fucking time it's just really annoying and upsetting. Can't even have sex without having to stop because I start to breakdown crying, I just don't know what's wrong with me.
-kitty
Wish I could be with my boyfriend, hate that he's so far away, even though we both have other partners irl it still hurts to be far away from eachother. We've been calling like every night on discord and it's really nice, my other boyfriend has a full time job so we can't see eachother everyday like we used to so it's nice to be able to have some intimacy even if it's over the net on a regular basis. But both of them mean so much to me, I just wish I could spend every night with them, they're so perfect and sweet to me, it's really hard to accept. I really fucked up my last (2 year long) relationship and hurt my ex by being stupid so it's really hard to feel like I deserve or am allowed this kind of love after that.
-kitty
Really really hate how hard it is for me to talk to people, it's sooo fucking annoying and upsetting especially being 21 and in college you would think i wouldnt have this kind of anxiety/issue still its so fucking upsetting and is just this really big hurdle infront of everything i do. This shit like especially sucks cus everyone i know at my school has left it including my boyfriend who like was the main person that i would talk to there, like we're still together obviously but him not being here really makes everything a lot harder and gives me like zero motivation to try in the slightest. Anyone i did talk to or interact last semester has barely said "hi" to me or anything and im a little quiet loser so like i need to be approached (usually). I just do not see myself graduating or even getting past this semester, i just see myself dying in some theatrical fashion, that sounds like really dramatic but i dont know i just feel like there's no place for me here, i cant drive, dont work, all i have is school in terms of responsibilities/things to do, without that i dont know what id do, just die i guess?
-kitty
Hai, this is my first entry into this silly little journal where all my stupid silly little thoughts will go. These will probably be really rambly and sad so trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and things which surround that subject et cetera et cetera, this applies for everything that'll be here probably. mwah mwah,,,
-kitty